What I've been learning lately...

I see you down there every day

Trying to find a different way
To build some kind of ladder to the sky

You're trying to find some way to see
The secrets of eternity
But they don’t come all at once

And you don’t know why

Well how do you think it feels
To hear you screaming out my name
While all the while I’m trying to open up your heart
I see you when you cry yourself to sleep
It’s tearing me apart

I know you wish you could see me
That’s the way it has to be
Someday you will understand
Don’t you lose your faith in me

I know you wish you could hear me
Sometimes it’s so hard to do
But every morning the sunrise says
I’m madly in love with you
-Sean McConnell

This song is written from the perspective of God, and I love it so much because it helps me learn to accept grace. That has been the theme of my semester, because it is something that does not come easily to me. Our whole lives we are taught that we need to be 'in the top 10% to go to college' or to be the fastest, smartest, most creative, kindest, and strongest to succeed. And to succeed by the world's standards, this is all true. But it would only make sense that Jesus Christ would come in and shatter our normal system of judging success. He overcame the world, and that means that he overcame our way of thinking. He didn't change the status quo, he rendered it unnecessary and unimportant.

The line that jumps out at me the most is 'I see you down there every day, trying to find a different way to build some kind of ladder to the sky'. I try to build a ladder in lots of ways, whether it be by making good grades, being involved in all the right things, staying away from all the wrong things, reading my Bible enough, or going to church often. All of those actions are inherently good, but they bring me no closer to heaven. I am saved simply and solely by the grace of God- not by my decisions, not by my wisdom of Him, not by my actions. God has saved me because he chose to show me grace. I grew up believing the lie that I had to earn God's grace, which undermines the whole purpose of grace itself. Grace is "the infinite love, mercy, favor, and goodwill shown to humankind by God." Notice that the definition does not continue on with 'but only to those who deserve it' or 'but only to the best behaved'. Also notice the word 'infinite' is used in the definition. We cannot fathom how great God's love for us is, but the song reminds you that 'every morning the sunrise says {HE} is madly in love with you".

God does not grade on a bell curve, but some of my professors do, so I have to continue studying for finals, but all the while I will remember that my salvation is not determined by my accounting grade. Whew!

I write in this blog mostly for personal reflection, and I'm pretty sure not many people read it. But if you are one of the few who does, I hope you are able to learn alongside me and benefit from what I write down. Merry Christmas!

A new favorite verse of mine:

If anyone hears my words and does not keep them, I do not judge him; for I did not come to judge the world but to save the world.

John 12:47

Much thanks, Louis-Jacques-Mande Daguerre

I would like to extend a personal thank you to the lovely Sir Louis-Jacques-Mande Daguerre for inventing the camera. Because of him, I am able to enjoy this gem of a memory.

My little sister Peyton is currently at Camp Mystic for girls for her first year at overnight camp, which I attended for 12 summers of my life. I, like Peyton, drew a little blue slip of construction paper out of that same cowboy hat, signifying my new family at camp- the Kiowa tribe. Peyton has wanted to be a Kiowa for her whole life, and as you can see by the look on her face, she is thrilled. I can't help but laugh when I look at these pictures- too good. I am so thankful that she gets to experience Mystic, and I hope she loves it as much as I did. Now we just have to wait and see what tribe little Stella (age 5) draws in a few years! With our luck, she will be the only Tonk in the family.

Another thank you to Mr. Daguerre, because I recently came across pinterest.com, which is a collection of photos of all things remarkable and cool and lovely and funny. Sometimes, when I come across something cool on the internet, I wish that it was a concrete object so that I could put it in a keep sake box under my bed, to be looked at and enjoyed every once in a while. Well, pinterest.com is basically a virtual keepsake box. You can find things that you love and pin them on your 'bulletin board'- just visit the site for an automatic mood boost courtesy of your favorite things. Beware of an awesome overload.

This summer has been a great time of rest for me, but also a time for me to really feel independent. I discovered that I am capable of living in a house by myself for a month without 1. being terrified or 2. burning it down. I also discovered that I really like the show So You Think You Can Dance. Like REALLY like it, especially when I watch it at 1004 Winding. I am thankful to have had this time to really find out things about myself that I may not have found out had I not had as much independence. Sometimes it takes slowing down to really remember what's most important in your life, and that's what I was able to do this summer. I spent a lot of time with family, evaluated my spiritual life, and took time to find out what I really enjoy doing. For example, if I ever needed to kill some time or just take a break from studying finance, I often found myself winding my way through Barnes and Noble just looking at books. Rarely buying. Sorry Barnes and Noble. At least I support the cafe because I almost always buy a coffee while I browse. And one of these days I'm finally going to give in and become a member to get that 10% discount.

Sincerely, Your Finance Textbook

So I ordered my finance textbook from a website called better world books, and I completely recommend this company, especially because you get a personalized email from your book after you order it. Enjoy this, it made my day.

Hello Kellie,

(Your book(s) asked to write you a personal note - it seemed unusual, but who are we to say no?)

Holy canasta! It's me... it's me! I can't believe it is actually me! You could have picked any of over 2 million books but you picked me! I've got to get packed! How is the weather where you live? Will I need a dust jacket? I can't believe I'm leaving Mishawaka, Indiana already - the friendly people, the Hummer plant, the Linebacker Lounge - so many memories. I don't have much time to say goodbye to everyone, but it's time to see the world!

I can't wait to meet you! You sound like such a well read person. Although, I have to say, it sure has taken you a while! I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but how would you like to spend five months sandwiched between Jane Eyre (drama queen) and Fundamentals of Thermodynamics (pyromaniac)? At least Jane was an upgrade from that stupid book on brewing beer. How many times did the ol' brewmaster have one too many and topple off our shelf at 2am?

I know the trip to meet you will be long and fraught with peril, but after the close calls I've had, I'm ready for anything (besides, some of my best friends are suspense novels). Just five months ago, I thought I was a goner. My owner was moving and couldn't take me with her. I was sure I was landfill bait until I ended up in a Better World Books book drive bin. Thanks to your socially conscious book shopping, I've found a new home. Even better, your book buying dollars are helping kids read from Brazil to Botswana.

Arnold Palmers and Sandy Feet

I got back from a trip to Florida a few days ago, and upon my return home, I decided I would share the lessons that I learned while on vacation.

1. Arnold Palmers (half lemonade, half iced tea) are perhaps the best refreshment ever made. I averaged 4 per day, and by the end of the week the cabana boys didn't even have to ask what I wanted each time I went up for a refill.

2. Having a coffee snob for a father who is powered by Starbucks (literally every morning) is very nice on vacation. Have you ever woken up and gone straight to the refrigerator to find your grande iced coffee with skim milk and 1/2 a Splenda ready and waiting for you? I highly recommend it, and I suggest you make like me and drink it on the porch while filling out a crossword puzzle. Great start to the morning.

3. When you rent a Pontoon boat for the day and happen upon a sand bar that is COVERED in sand dollars, you have a recipe for a wonderful memory. However, if the sand bar is over-populated with sand dollars, finding another one loses its excitement. Good thing there were starfish there too! :)

4. Nothing improves one's mood quite like a long bicycle ride by the beach, followed by a sno-cone to cool off. Peach and Wild Cherry all the way, baby.

5. If you bet an 8 year old $5 that she can't go a whole day without arguing with her little sister, you will be surprised at her ability to show grace to a 4 year old. And then get annoyed that she doesn't practice this every day.

6. Paddleboarding (also called yolo-ing) is a lot harder in the ocean than on Town Lake, but it's a great workout and a great way to look for fish in the water below you. Apparently small sharks don't care how close to the shore they are. Yikes!

7. After age 13, it becomes a lot harder to meet friends while traveling. I can no longer use my sister's technique of walking up to someone, saying "Hi. I'm Peyton. I'm 8. What's your name?" I guess now I actually have to have something in common, besides age and gender, with the people I hang out with.

8. I get tired of golfing after 6 holes. Sorry, dad.

9. I officially went to the beach and came home WITHOUT a sunburn for the first time in my life. Let's go responsibility! Your welcome, mom.

10. I still don't like to eat seafood.

Overall it was a wonderful week spent with family, and now I'm ready to tackle finance next month in summer school. I think.

real life, shmeal life.

So I'm starting a blog. Jumping on the band wagon. Joining the ranks of the technology generation. As if anyone would want to hear about my daily antics. But you're here I guess, so it's your own fault if I bore you.

Last week, I signed my very first lease. Granted, my Dad signed the guarantor form. But still. I'm partially liable for something important. I felt like an adult. Until my roommates and I took a picture of us holding our newly signed document. WHAM. Back to middle school. (But I loved it.) This adult experience has had me thinking about my future. That's a lie. I already think about my future way too much. (I need to focus on the 'now' more.)

Anyway, as I was thinking to myself on my walk to the bus, I looked around and wondered, "What's the purpose of my current situation? What am I supposed to be doing here?". Don't get me wrong, I love college and each day I learn something new outside the classroom that excites and challenges me. I am accumulating a plethora of experiences, gaining social skills, self-esteem, and knowledge about myself. But for what? My current stage of life feels like training camp. Like I'm not in the real world yet. Don't you hate when Uncle Dave tells you to enjoy college before you have to enter the "real world" because these are the best days of your life? What is the 'real world'? ......I know, I know. The real world is when I can't show up 8 minutes late to work (like I do every day to management 211, just ask Kaley). The real world is when I have to file my W-10 forms, whatever those are. When I can't wear size Large sorority T-shirts anymore, or paint my nails black (it's this new thing I'm trying...still deciding if I like it). Or how about when I have to open my own bank account? Yikes. The real world sounds...organized yet hectic. Ew. Who made up these rules? I'm making my own, starting now. I'm officially going to continue watching Glee, checking Ellen Degeneres' tweets obsessively, wearing converse, and going to the bulk foods section at HEB to grind my own peanut butter. (I can hear my mom now..."Here's some they already ground up for you, Kellie." Doesn't she understand the satisfaction of watching your very own peanut butter squeeze right in front of you?!)

I'll tell you what I do know. I know that I am very thankful that I have parents to help provide this period of "training camp" for me, where I don't have a mortgage or car payment. Where I can figure out my next move, try on a few different "Kellies" for size. I know that life will be challenging after college, and there are parts of this stage of my life that I will miss. I've seen my siblings live through this transition, and I don't envy parts of their lives.

But I also know the look on my step mother's face when her daughter, my stepsister, runs to greet her at the door when she comes home from work- pure joy at seeing her daughter's grin and hearing about her perfect 'elementary school + lunch line + chasing boys on the playground' day. And the tone in my mother's voice when she tells me about her job as a nurse. You just know that helping heal others feeds her soul and makes her feel alive. And what about the giddiness that literally overtakes my dad when he tells me about his fantasy football league him and his brother (and best friend) do together? (I will never understand how those work. And that's ok.) Plus, I don't think anyone enjoys fishing more than my stepdad, who's current project is sprucing up a fishing house in Rockport. He's so excited. So I am too.

The point I'm trying to make is that, although the real world has more responsibility, and maybe more hurdles to jump over, it seems to follow the same pattern as the rest of life. Let's look at what I've experienced so far. Drivers license= more rules, but way more fun and freedom. College = actually having to study + doing your own laundry, but amazing, wonderful crazy, beautiful times. As we get older we receive more responsibility, but also more...life. More opportunity, joy, excitement, adventures. Growing older, I'm learning, doesn't mean that the fun's over. One of my favorite greeting cards says "It's not how old you are, but how you are old." I want to be fun for the rest of my life. So that's my goal. I am going to be the fun mom, the non-whining worker, the aunt who doesn't warn her nieces and nephews to 'enjoy life while it's still fun'. I am choosing to try and embrace the difficult times when they come, because a kite rises against the wind, not with it.

I'm happy to be where I am right now, free of many future responsibilities, but I'm sick of dreading the 'real world'. And I'm excited about what God has in store for me in the future. A challenging job? A family? Maybe a new hobby (ping pong anyone?) My prayer is that I can rely on Him, trust in Him, and share my future with Him. Actually share it with him. Like, tell him about my day and my hopes and my fears, even though He already knows. I have the feeling He wants to hear all those things. So here's to living life to the fullest, and making your own rules about the 'real world'.

It's like my mom has said to me...

"This growing up stuff aint for sissies."

Or for the lame-os.